


they say, you're a little much for me.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: He doesn’t know where it started, and he doesn’t know how or why he tended to this feeling and let it grow.or Dan has a bad day.





	they say, you're a little much for me.

**Author's Note:**

> the past couple of days i've been staring at my word document trying to write something and i just couldn't. i watched lorde's speech on how she wrote 'liability' and sat on it for a day and then here we are. this is just me trying to make sense of my own feelings.

Dan lays on the ground with a blanket over him and a small pillow to support his head while he stares at a blank document. Each time he thinks he has an idea he’ll erase it thinking that it’s pointless, it won’t mean anything and his words will just get jumbled up like they always do. He bites his bottom lip, typing in youtube but not being able to think of anything to watch for inspiration. He’s been lacking a lot of inspiration these days.

He can’t watch something because he hasn’t even made progress trying to make a video- and when Phil says that it’s good to get his mind off of it he still feels the little bubble of guilt in his stomach. It follows him everywhere, like a shadow or a ghost, it’s always there, reminding him that this is part of him, and that it won’t ever go away no matter how much he tries to lose it. 

He can’t eat. He can’t sleep. He can’t feel the happiness that he should be feeling. His phone has been dead for a couple of hours and he knows that he should put it on the charger but he doesn’t want to. He just wants to lay down here with his blanket and continue to stare at this word document. It’s a form of self torture, he knows that, and it never gets him anywhere but this is how it goes. 

The light from the window slowly starts to get darker and another day passes of him getting up from his spot, closing his laptop and placing it on the table. Phil ordered dinner but he doesn’t want to eat it and he knows that there’s something wrong- that it’s not just about the video he wants to make but it’s something deeper. He wants to ignore it best he can but he can’t, and Phil won’t let him. He wishes that he wasn’t so easy to read. He wishes that he were able to keep it in like he used to be able to- when people didn’t pay attention to him as much as they did now. There’s so much pressure that weighs on his shoulders and he should tweet something but he can’t in this state of mind. 

His mind is racing while simultaneously feeling blank. Like there’s nothing there. 

The table is set up and Phil reaches for Dan pressing his lips against his forehead and Dan can’t curve a smile but he can squeeze his hand and pull out his chair for him as he settles in next to Phil. He plates his food but it’s the bare minimum of what he needs to eat to survive. 

It doesn’t feel good going down. It doesn’t even really taste like anything. Phil doesn’t talk to him but he places a hand on his thigh and he grabs Dan’s plate and he’ll wrap it up for him if he chooses to eat it later. Phil is good like that--existing for Dan when he can’t; uploading gaming videos when Dan is incapable, sharing a funny story that included Dan from a couple days ago, making sure that during Dan’s silences everything is fine, it’s just he can’t be here right now. 

And when bedtime hits Dan doesn’t change from his pyjamas he just rolls over to his side clutching himself and thinking about how much this hurts. It hurts more than he can explain. He wishes he could tell Phil that it’s not the kind of hurt you feel when you stub your toe or run into something, it’s the kind of hurt that you feel when you let someone or something down, it’s a guilt like feeling that doesn’t make sense because even if he didn’t do anything wrong it’s still there. 

He doesn’t know how to explain this, _he just feels it and he feels it and he feels it,_ hoping that it doesn’t swallow him whole. 

“Love you.” Phil says, reaching to turn the light off. 

Darkness. 

“Love you.” Dan whispers, feeling a shift in the covers, feeling Phil’s feet against his own. This bed wasn’t made for them to be so far apart like this so Dan moves back a little, and he can still feel Phil there even if he can’t hold him right now. 

*

He doesn’t sleep until five a.m. and then he sleeps in until late afternoon. Phil had gone to run some errands, leaving a note on the pillow next to him with a smiley face drawn next to it. Dan grabs it and places it in his box of memories and maybe when he’s better he’ll be able to properly reflect on it. 

He goes back to his computer and stares at a document and he feels nothing. 

It’s nothing, and it’s everything. 

He’ll go on a walk. 

*

The first time Dan went on a walk it was out of needing to breathe because the flat felt so small and he felt like he was too big, like he couldn’t fit in it anymore. That feeling is still there existing in the back of his mind and reminding Dan that he can be like that sometimes.

It’s an anxious feeling in his chest, knowing that he’s a little too much sometimes. 

He worries that he’ll be too much for Phil.  
He worries that he’ll be too much for his family.  
He worries that he’ll be too much for their audience. 

He doesn’t know where it started, and he doesn’t know how or why he tended to this feeling and let it grow.

It reminds him of a conversation with his grandmum about sunflowers. They’re beautiful, and they grow easily but they’re essentially a weed. His grandmum said that the term for weeds is something that grows in an unwanted place. Something can be beautiful but unwanted. 

_“Sunflowers are a plant that mankind has not found a use for yet, Daniel.”_

*

He doesn’t go very far and when he gets back Phil looks a little worried. He hadn’t left a note or had his phone on him. Dan looks down at his shoes and he bites down on his lip again. 

“Dan.” Phil says, his voice is a little shaky, and Dan hates feeling like he has to be taken care of like a child. He flinches at the sound of his voice, and he doesn’t really realise that there’s a single tear running down his face. He quickly wipes it away and takes another deep breath. 

“Sorry.” He says, his voice is hoarse and he shrugs. 

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to make it better. He’s got so much resentment towards himself stored away in his heart, and the walls that he’s been putting up feels like fucking jenga and one false move and the whole thing will come crashing down.

“Dan.” Phil says again, reaching out to hold Dan’s hands but Dan doesn’t want Phil to touch him or comfort him. He just wants Phil to be mad at him but the feeling is so warm against his cold palms, and when Phil wraps his arms around him he feels seen for the first time in weeks despite the fact that Phil sees him all the time, every day, and when he’s not looking.

Dan doesn’t cry. He just lets himself be held and petted and cared for. 

*

“I feel so burnt out.” Dan says, they’re both laying on the ground with a laptop in between them. It’s gone dark both in the room and on the screen. 

Phil is just listening to Dan talk, he doesn’t have very many words to say. He’s not equipped for this and Dan knows that he can’t help him like he needs. Dan needs to see his therapist and take a break for a while. He’s just scared that if he does when he’ll come back there will be no one. It’s an unhealthy mentality that he needs to work through but it’s hard.

“What if I can never make a video again?” 

Phil’s thumbs caress the skin of his hands. “You will. You just need to give it some time.” 

It’s not the answer he wants, but it’s the answer he gets. 

“I’ll still be here while you figure things out.” Phil reminds him, bringing his knuckles to his lips. 

Dan won’t question it, because he knows it’s true, but it’s nice to be reminded. 

*

 _It’s been a bad week,_ he says to himself, putting his computer away and leaving it out of his sight. He knows that he’ll take it out again eventually, but for now he deletes the blank document and texts his therapist about the horrible couple of days he’s having. He doesn’t get an immediate response, but when his therapist eventually types back what days would be good to see them he feels a little better knowing that he’s at least a step closer to figuring it out. 

Phil makes Dan a bath and burns his favourite candle that he’s been saving for a special occasion. He cleans his pyjamas that he’s been wearing the past couple of days and sets out new ones on their bed. It’s small things like that Phil _can_ do and it goes a long way. 

Dan apologizes that night over a bowl of cereal about leaving. Phil tries to make a joke that he just over worries but Dan knows that it doesn’t make it right and apologises again anyway.

He reaches out to hold Phil’s hand and they’ll watch something funny later until Dan falls asleep on him. He’s tired, the exhaustion of holding everything in is slowly getting to him but at least he’ll finally get some rest. 

One of Dan’s last thoughts before he falls asleep again that night is that, he is too much sometimes, but being too much doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/174955247068/they-say-youre-a-little-much-for-me-pairing) on tumblr.


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